Since Al's feeling generous, he's giving you another chapter of his book, for free!
Chapter 5 An Exclusive Interview With Leisure Suit Larry
©1996 Ralph Roberts and Al Lowe ... all rights reserved Leisure-Suit Larry and Passionate Patti are registered trademarks of Sierra On-Line.
from: THE OFFICIAL BOOK OF
Sit down and let's get started, Larry. We have a lot to do tonight. Pop a top on another Diet Coke for me and let's put some words into the ol' word processor, little buddy.
"Okay, Big Al, but you said this was gonna be my chapter. So, let's get cooking. What's that contraption you got there?"
It's a tape recorder, Larry. First off, I've been asked to interview you for the Sierra's in-house news magazine. They even sent a list of questions. So I'll record you and we'll edit out some for the magazine, but include a transcript of the whole tape in the book.
"What if I stutter? Or cough?"
Oh, I'll edit those out. Heh, heh. Would I ever make my little buddy, Larry, look bad? Pull your chair up closer to the mike here.
"All right, but you said I'd get to say whatever I wanted to in this chapter."
Yeah, and I also said that I would interrupt you, heh, heh.
Oh, don't mope, Lar. After the interview, you can include your treatise on how to pick up chicks.
"All right, my man, Al! Now that's Pulitzer Prize stuff for sure. Turn on that recorder. This the microphone? Tasting, tasting. One. Two. Three. Five."
Er, that should be testing, Larry. Besides you left out four.
"Well, so did you. Just try to find a a copy of it anywhere! And as far as this microphone goes, you should have tested it before I tasted it. Tastes like plastic. Lemme get a swig of Tab here and you can start."
Okay, I'll just turn it on here. Try to be serious now; no telling who will be hearing this tape.
An Exclusive Interview with Leisure Suit Larry
Al Lowe: Larry, let me begin by introducing you. We know you're the star of Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards, Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love! (In Several Wrong Places), Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals, Leisure Suit Larry 5: Passionate Patti Does a Little Undercover Work, Leisure Suit Larry 6: Shape Up or Slip Out!, and the newest Larry game Leisure Suit Larry 7: Love For Sail! You've been featured on the television show Entertainment Tonight, written up in the Wall Street Journal, Newsweek, and Time, and selected as the Rolling Stones' "Hot Game." You also won the Software Publisher's Association award for Best Adventure Role Playing Game in 1987, and several other awards since. How has success affected you?
Larry: I thought Barbara Walters or Kathie Lee Gilford was supposed to do this interview. How come I gotta settle for you?
Al Lowe: Because I created you, Larry and--
Larry: You? So how come you still live in Fresno? I'm traveling all over the world, myself. Impressing chicks and having a good time. Pulling in big bucks, too.
Al Lowe: No, I've recently moved from Fresno--I now live in the beautiful, albeit rainy, Seattle area. Bellevue, to be geographically precise.
Larry: Isn't that some kind of like insane asylum?
Al Lowe: I think you have the town in Washington state confused with a hospital in New York.
Larry: Maybe, maybe not.
Al Lowe: Uh, yeah. But it's true, Larry--about the creation part, that is. With a lot of help, I'm responsible for the Larry games. Besides, I thought you were trying to borrow ten dollars a chapter or two ago?
Larry: Make that twenty, Big Al. To impress chicks, you got to keep up a front. As for you creating me, well I've taken on a life of my own now. However, since you did start things off, I wanna talk to you about the dark alley in Larry 1. And whose idea was that stupid little dog anyway? Not to mention all the pitfalls in the later games. These things are dangerous! They hurt!
Al Lowe: That little dog likes you, Larry. He likes you a lot.
Larry: Then he must love fire hydrants.
Al Lowe: It pays to keep moving in Larry 1, old boy. All that aside, I've got a list of questions here to ask you. Larry, you're such a hip guy and all, what advice can you give our single male readers?
Larry: Play my games a lot.
Al Lowe: How will that help? Shouldn't they be out meeting young ladies instead?
Larry: Nah. They gotta study the example of the master, man. See how I do it. Get some boss threads like my white leisure suit. A little gold jewelry. Some snappy opening lines like: "Come on, babe, let's you and me get it on," or "Hey, good-looking, what do you say we ditch the preliminaries and head for your pad?"
Al Lowe: Hmmm. Well that cuts out a lot of small talk about the weather and astrological signs and stuff.
Larry: You better believe it.
Al Lowe: You say clothes are important. Where do you get your leisure suits? I thought those had not been around since the seventies.
Larry: There are lots of good places still left to get good leisure suits. Salvation Army, Goodwill Industries. Can't understand why people give them away. But they're cheap.
Al Lowe: Tell me about your mother.
Larry: She threw me out of the house. What's to tell?
Al Lowe: That's it?
Larry: Ain't that enough? Old broad's living in some swinging singles condo down in south Florida now. Hit me up for a loan the other day.
Al Lowe: I see. And what were you like as a child?
Larry: About the same. Well... shorter.
Al Lowe: Uh huh. What about hobbies? What do you do for recreation?
Larry: Chase chicks.
Al Lowe: I should've guessed. Any other hobbies?
Larry: Leisure suit refurbishing. It's a lost art
Al Lowe: Judging by that cigarette burn on your left sleeve, I'd say so. Now, where did you go to college?
Larry: Well, on campus like most other people. But I lived at home. Majored in computer science.
Al Lowe: Did you have a college sweetheart?... Larry?... Larry?
Larry: Er... ah... I lived at home, you see. Missed all the dorm life and stuff.
Al Lowe: Are you saying you were a dork?
Larry: No, but I believe you're saying it.
Al Lowe: And, do you have any friends?
Larry: I probably did until they read this interview.
Al Lowe: What are your interests now?
Larry: Chicks. Babes. Broads. Women. Ladies. Dames.
Al Lowe: Ummm. Shouldn't you be a little more sensitive in referring to the ladies? There has been some talk about your being a male chauvinist. And have you ever heard the term, "politically correct?"
Larry: I ain't into politics, big guy. Well, that's just not true. I did almost become a Presbyterian once, though. And, yeah, sensitivity counts. Like wait until a chick puts down her drink before putting the make on her.
Al Lowe: Er... right. What if she doesn't put it down?
Larry: Don't order her another one. Sooner or later, she's got to put it down. Or carry it to the restroom with her. Or order another one herself, which at least saves you a couple of bucks.
Al Lowe: You go to singles bars a lot, then?
Larry: Those that are still open. Some of my favorite ones have had to shut down.
Al Lowe: Why?
Larry: Something about the ladies' restroom being full of glasses. I don't know.
Al Lowe: Well, Larry, how do you see your life so far? Are you achieving success?
Larry: Are you kidding? Haven't you heard? we're writing a book about me! The Official Book of Leisure Suit Larry. You get that, Big Al? The official book!
Al Lowe: Yeah, well I needed the money and it's a good gig. Tell us, Larry, what's in store for the future? Will we see Larry 8 anytime soon?
Larry: You're asking me?
Al Lowe: Yeah.
Larry: Beats the hell out of me. Ken Williams won't return my calls anymore, and Roberta never did.
Al Lowe: I'll talk to him.
Larry: Okay, but if we go with another one, drop the damn dog, huh? I want that in my contract. No ifs, ands, mutts, or maybes. Especially no mutts.
Leisure Suit Larry, Computer Game Star
Al Lowe: We'll talk about it, Lar. Now, in the previous chapters we've discussed a lot about how the Larry games came about, and how they were designed. Tell the folks what it's like being a star in one of these games, and how they're made.
Larry: It's not easy, I wanna tell you! Those scripts you write are murder--especially for those of us who do our own stunts. Man, I could get hurt doing some of these things! In fact, I do get hurt! Often.
Al Lowe: Do you know what a good stunt man costs? Believe me, we can't afford them, so you game characters will just have to help out. Go on, tell us what your schedule is like when a game is in production.
Larry: When we're filming, I gotta get up at 4 a.m. and be on the set by 5 a.m. Then you take a scene like that one where I drown in the polluted lagoon in Larry 3. If the programmers aren't up to speed (and who is at five in the morning?), we might do 25 or 30 takes before they get it right. Meanwhile, I hope I never see another glass of water in my life. Why do you think I drink so much Tab?
Al Lowe: Er... Because you're thirsty?
Larry: No, no! To help me forget. It's a rough life, being a computer game superstar. I wanna tell you that, for sure.
Al Lowe: Larry, aren't you exaggerating just a little? Besides, Tab won't help you forget. It's just a soft drink.
Larry: Yeah? No kidding? No wonder I still remember all this then. Okay. So I don't really get up until 4:45 and drive like hell to get there on time. Say, I hear some of them big Hollywood stars get RVs to relax in on the sets. How about one for me? Tell Ken I want my own Win-a-bagel or somethin'.
Al Lowe: That's Winnebago, Lar, but I'll mention it to him. Don't count on it, though. We have to keep costs down on these things. Now, we already know you do all your own stunts; tell the folks about that. Some of that stuff is faked, right? I mean, you don't really fall off cliffs, or drown, or have alto saxophone reeds pushed under your fingernails by KGB agents, do you?
Larry: Nothing is faked, Big Al. You know that, I see you hanging around the set all the time. Gloating! Even that little dog in Larry 1 is not faked. And don't think I missed you always filling up its water dish, either.
Al Lowe: Er, well, several takes were required and the poor little mutt was thirsty. It's all in the interest of realism--I'm sure Steven Spielberg does the same sort of thing. But, nevermind that. Tell us about the love scenes. Now you can't deny that I haven't put in plenty of those for you.
Larry: One of the greatest things in the world, if I can get serious for a moment, is the relationship between men and women, guys and chicks, gents and ladies, dudes and babes, studs and studettes
Al Lowe: All right, already. We get the message. Go on.
Larry: Well, yeah. The Leisure Suit Larry series is adult adventure. They might be adventures, but they also feature the interplay of human sexuality and the very epitomy of
Al Lowe: Larry! Quit reading stuff off your sleeve!
Larry: Hmpf. I just wanted to be prepared for this interview. But that is right, you know. The games feature me in adult situations with the opposite sex. That's part of their appeal.
Al Lowe: And here I thought it was the humor, Lar.
Larry: The humor? Very funny.
Al Lowe: Exactly.
Al Lowe: Never mind. Go on. You were telling us about the interplay of human sexuality.
Larry: Yeah, like in the first game, Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards, I'm always trying to get it on with these chicks, see?
Al Lowe: I vaguely remember something like that being part of the game, yes.
Larry: You got to remember, at the start of Larry 1, I had just arrived in Lost Wages. Thanks to Roberts blabbing my life story in Chapter 1, everyone in the world now knows that I was somewhat inexperienced with women at that time.
Al Lowe: In other words, a virgin at 33.
Larry: Arrrgh! Is nothing sacred? Erase that from the tape, Al! Besides, I was 39.
Al Lowe: Don't worry, Larry. I will. Heh, heh. Trust me.
Larry: Well, uh, oh yeah. I guess my first love scene was with the hooker over Lefty's Bar in Larry 1. It was a sleazy, disgusting affair.
Al Lowe: Is that why you kept asking for retakes?
Larry: Er... Anyway, one interesting thing about that scene is, if you'll recall, I never had to pay, and I got a box of candy out of it, too.
Al Lowe: We couldn't figure a way to get IBM, Atari, and Apple computers to take MasterCard, so you got the professional services of the lady for free just by figuring out how to use the TV remote control you got from the drunk on the pimp's TV downstairs.
Larry: What a pinbrain, he was.
Al Lowe: Right, but did you know you can pay him a hundred bucks and he'll let you go up the stairs?
Larry: Really? Of course I'd have to go back to the casino and play slots or roulette to raise those kind of bucks. Anyway, with the TV remote control, I got it for free and it was worth every cent of it, too. Say, I never did figure what that sign near her bed meant.
Al Lowe: You mean: "Substantial penalties for early withdrawals?"
Larry: Yeah, that's the one. She work part time in a bank or something?
Al Lowe: Er, we'll discuss it after I've shut off the tape. For someone who claims to be such philanderer, you often display an engaging air of naivete. Go on.
Larry: Phil who? Now who's reading stuff off his sleeve? My next love scenewhich was my wedding night with Fawn in Larry 1was a disaster. Not only didn't I get any, but I wound up tied to the bed and robbed. No wonder I haven't been married too much since. All my marriages wind up "on the ropes."
Al Lowe: How about the hot tub in Larry 1? Now don't tell me what followed was not a climatic love scene.
Larry: Several times. Eve was something else. I definitely saw fireworks after that.
Al Lowe: See, I do treat you well, Lar.
Larry: Occasionally, Al. Just occasionally. At least you did bring Patti into my life. Anyway, you and Ken were trying for a better rating on Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love! (In Several Wrong Places), so I don't get as many love scenes. There's another tie-down scene on the Cruise Shiponly she uses mink-lined handcuffs. What is it with you and restraining devices, Al? And there's that resort room scene which is ended by Carlos who has many bullets that he likes to fire. Both of those scenes are traps. Not to mention the helicopter girls on the Cruise Ship, on the nude beach, and at the Airport. Take a ride with one of them babes and you wind up shackled to a water bed, get something really funky done to you with a laser, then plop into a hydrochloric acid bath.
Al Lowe: That's hydrofluoric acid, Lar.
Larry: I don't know, it eats the hell out of me.
Al Lowe: Does teach you to save the game often, though. Right?
Larry: Yeah, that's for sure.
Al Lowe: But you do have one great love scene in Larry 2. At the end when you marry Kalalau. That's really energic what you and she do behind the bushes.
Larry: Okay, that one's not bad. But what's this I hear about you having a copy of that scene without the bushes? Can't a guy have no privacy, huh? Ken Williams said you showed it to him. All I need is to have Ken snickering at me.
Al Lowe: Don't worry Larry, I've only shown it to a few dozen close friends. Forget that and go on. What about love scenes in Larry 3?
Larry: Now Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals is much, much, much better! You guys are back into a more adult game, and I get a lot of love scenes. In fact, you can just say I get a lot. Part of the game is that I have to score with various chicks to proceed. There's Tawni the tourist, Cherri the showgirl, Suzi the lawyer, Bambi the aerobics instructor, and the fantastic Passionate Patti herself. All luscious-bodied, gorgeous babes! It's a tough role, but somebody had to play it.
Al Lowe: Tom Cruise was busy.
Larry: There's one thing all the ladies in my love scenes in all five games, including Passionate Patti Does a Little Undercover Work, have in common.
Al Lowe: Oh?
Larry: Yep, and that's satisfaction. Satisfaction guaranteed and happy to be of service to ya, ma'am.
Al Lowe: Er... Yeah. However, Larry, in fairness to the folks out there, I must point out that you never get to finish with any of those ladies in Larry 3, excepting Patti, of course. The souvenir peddlers keep interrupting you and Tawni, the show starts up while you're with Cherri Tart backstage, Suzi's phone keeps ringing, and the tanning booth falls down on you and Bambi.
Larry: Well, I came close!
Al Lowe: Er, I don't think I'll touch that line. But your comment about the girls gives me an idea. Earlier I've taped comments from most of your various love partners. I'll splice them onto the end this transcript so folks can get the other side of the story, too.
Larry: Hey, that's not fair. I wanna edit those first!
Al Lowe: Sorry, Larry. You'll have to wait and read the book. Now, hand me that little suction cup thing over there.
Larry: Hmpf. Here. What is it?
Al Lowe: Hooks the recorder into the phone. Who knows, maybe someone interesting will call.
Larry: Are you kidding? We've been at this most of the night now. What is it? Three in the morning? Nobody's gonna call now.
Al Lowe: Get that, would you, Lar?
Larry: I smell a setup here. Are you doing this interview for a supermarket rag like the National Enquirer or for a great publishing house like Alexander Books? Did they tell you to embarrass me, or what?
Al Lowe: Nah, Gayle and Vivian and Pat and all the other editiors at Alexander Books love you. Heh, heh. Answer the phone.
Larry: Oh, all right. Hello?
Passionate Patti: Hi, Al. Let me speak to that inconsiderate creep, Larry, please.
Larry: No, not Al Lowe, I said hello. Hi, Patti-cakes! How's my babe?
Passionate Patti: Oh, it's you. Sounded like you said Al Lowe. I'm fine, Larry, but I just want to administer a little intelligence test on you.
Passionate Patti: Do you find me attractive?
Larry: Why... yeah. Of all the chicks I've ever
Passionate Patti: Right. And since the end of Leisure Suit Larry 5: Passionate Patti Does a Little Undercover Work we've been living together in this little cabin on the mountain lake above Coarsegold. Correct?
Larry: Er... Sure, babe. The cabin was in the last scene of Larry 3, and we went back there after spending that weekend with Dan Quayle at Camp David at the end of Larry 5. Everybody knows that you and me
Passionate Patti: And you're enjoying living with me, is that true?
Larry: You better believe it. Why I
Passionate Patti: And it's now after three in the morning. Do you have a watch? Can you verify this?
Larry: Er... right. Three a.m. Sure enough. I don't get it. What kind of test is this? Multiple choice?
Passionate Patti: Intelligence, Larry, intelligence. Something wholly unfamiliar to you.
Passionate Patti: Larry, you lizard, it's bad enough that you still go to bars and try to score chicks!
Larry: Do not!
Passionate Patti: Yes, you do. I hear the jokes. The girls say all they have to do to foil you is to never put their drinks down. Just carry them to the ladies room when they go. An experience not wholly unfamilar to me.
Larry: I don't know about that. Say, did you hear they closed the Velvet Slipper? Something about the ladies room there, too.
Passionate Patti: Full of glasses, Larry. Your making a fool of yourself in singles bars is bad enough. This is too much!
Larry: What? What is too much, babe? I swear I never touched her. She was
Passionate Patti: Now for the final question in our little test, Larry. Ready?
Larry: Er... Yes.
Passionate Patti: You promised me faithfully you'd be home by 11 tonight. It's bad enough to lose track of time in a singles bar, but here it is three in the morning and who are you wasting your time with when you could be here with me?
Larry: Ah... Al Lowe? But, babe, we got this book to do and Passionate Patti: Al can finish up tonight without you and so can I! Get your butt home. Now.
Larry: Uh. Okay. Sure babe. On my way even as we speak. Heh, heh. Keep things warm for me.
Passionate Patti: Don't count on it, dork-brain. Get moving now.
Larry: Right. Don't worry, babe, I
Conclusion of the Interview
Larry: Er, I gotta go, Big Al. Patti wants my bod something terrible.
Al Lowe: Yeah, she did tell me the other day that your body was something terrible. But we are about through for tonight. It's late, and the Doritos have run out.
Larry: So much for what ol' Jay says on TV, huh? Don't worry, crunch all you want, we'll make more.
Al Lowe: He expects you to go to the store and buy more when you run out. Anyway, Lar, be back here tomorrow afternoon with your essay on how to pick up chicks, so I can finish this chapter. Meanwhile, after you leave, I'll add in those comments from your lady friends.
Larry: Oh, migawd. Well, no time to argue with you now. I got to get home before Patti feeds me my computer, one chip at a time... Hey! That damn tape's still on!
Al Lowe: Right. Let's conclude the interview. Now, before we go, how about one rendition of your best known line for the folks.
Larry: Sure. Hi, my name is Larry; Larry Laffer.
Al Lowe: Thanks and goodbye, Larry. From beautiful albeit rainy Bellevue, Washington, this is Al Lowe reporting... Oops, sorry about the dog, Larry. Must be the neighbor's. I have no idea how he got in, but that little dog sure does like you.
Larry: The contract, Al. It's gonna be in the contract this time! No more dogs. How am I going to explain this to Patti?
Al Lowe: Good night, Lar. I'm sure you and your little canine friend can show yourselves out.
Larry's Women Speak
Well, here it is in the wee small hours. Larry's gone and it's just me and you guys, the three million readers of this book. Okay, I'll settle for two million.
Anyway, this may be kind of mean, but I'm going to really put in these comments from Larry's various girlfriends in the first three games (alas, so far just one has returned my phone calls who was in Larry 5). Then Larry is going to finish out this chapter with his wit and wisdom on how to pick up chickswhich shouldn't take long at all.
So, what follows are the true feelings about Larry from the ladies who have known him best. We have taken the liberty of editing out the profanity which usually resulted when Larry's name was first mentioned to each lady. We present this in fairness to provide women everywhere, giving them their equal time in rebutting some of Larry's beliefs about chicks... er, women, I mean.
These are the edited excepts from my taped interview of these young ladies.
The Hooker from Larry 1: Well, you know, like he forgot to pay. I mean, you know, honey, I'm a professional. It ain't for free, you know. You go into a grocery store and pick up a head of lettuce, you don't get it for free, you know.
Al Lowe: Yes, we understand. You're a professional small-business person. But how about Larry Laffer as a man? Surely you found something appealing about him.
Ms. Hooker: Honey, I gave up like noticing things about men years ago. This is like, you know, being a banker. You take the order and deliver. It's like, you know, work. You don't like read each deposit slip. All I remember about this Leisure Suit what's his name is that he was quick. So quick he like forgot to, you know, like pay. And he like took my box of chocolates too.
Al Lowe: Ah, ha. Then that sign by your bed which reads "Substantial penalty for early withdrawals," does relate to the banking business.
Ms. Hooker: Are you like third cousins with this like leisure suit guy or something?
Al Lowe: Er, no. I hope not. Now, as to the sociological and economic implications of Mr. Laffer's scene with you, how
Ms. Hooker: Are you like just looking, honey? I got paying clients who are like waiting you know.
Al Lowe: Here we have Eve, who lives in the casino penthouse in Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. At the end of the game, Eve and Larry get together and form a relationship. Eve, surely you have some good memories of Leisure Suit Larry?
Eve: Who? Oh, you mean the bum I got saddled with in Lost Wages? Yeah, we were a number for a night, but I ditched him before I went back to Los Angeles. Do you know that nerd thought one night gave him the right to move into my house with me? I threw his stuff out real quick, I can tell you that. I think they made a computer game about it.
Al Lowe: Right. That's the start of the second Leisure Suit Larry game. You lock him out, and he goes looking for love in several wrong places.
Eve: You got it, pal. Say, you're kind of cute.
Al Lowe: Er, I'm married. Sorry. But tell us, how was Larry?
Eve: How was he what?
Al Lowe: Well, as a lover, for example?
Eve: Beats me.
Al Lowe: He did what?
Eve: Oh. No, I mean I don't remember. He was okay, I guess. I let him spend the night with me. Good enough until someone better came along. Know what I mean?
Al Lowe: Not quite. Like who would be better?
Eve: Almost anyone. Now do you understand?
Al Lowe: I think so. Yes. Tell me Eve, you seem to live well. You have that big house on Ascot Place in L.A., and you could afford the penthouse suite at the casino in Lost Wages. What do you do for a living?
Eve: I produce self-help audio tapes. Lots of bucks in those.
Al Lowe: Oh, you mean like how to quit smoking or be more assertive or learn German or something?
Eve: Oh no. More useful than those. Here's my latest, "The Ins and Outs of Marital Appliances." Like to buy a copy? Only $19.95? Very vibrant, if you know what I mean.
Al Lowe: Er, no... Well... If you want to give me a comp copy, I'll review it and maybe give you a mention in my next computer game.
Eve: Why not? Here. Say, you really are cute. I just adore pudgy men with receding hairlines.
Al Lowe: Ah, yes. Well, gotta run now. Margaret's waiting out in the car.
(From a telephone call transcript.)
Kalalau: 'allo. Who is 'dis?
Al Lowe: It's Al Lowe.
Kalalau: Yes, yes. 'allo to you. Who is 'dis?
Al Lowe: You don't know me, Kalalau. My name is Al... Lowe, L-o-w-e, and I'm a friend of your former husband. You were married to him at the end of Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love! (In Several Wrong Places), and tossed him out at the beginning of Larry 3.
Kalalau: That creep! What was 'is name. I forget 'dis unpleasant interlude.
Al Lowe: Er, his name is Larry; Larry Laffer.
Kalalau: Oh, but yes. I now remember. Such a, how you say it, dork? Where are you calling from, is very much static?
Al Lowe: Bellevue, state of Washington. You wouldn't believe the time I had getting the operator to accept the fact there really is a Nontoonyt Island. She thought I was some kind of pervert making a joke.
Kalalau: The real joke was that creep, thatwhat do you call him?Larry. He was not man enough for me, but then no man is. It 'as been nice talking to you. Good night.
Al Lowe: No, wait. Please. Give me your impression of Larry Laffer.
Kalalau: "'allo, my name is Larry; Larry Laffer."
Al Lowe: Er, no. I meant your impression of his actions and your feelings about him.
Kalalau: My impression of Larry Laffer is to lay flat in the bed and do nothing that is satisfying. I can do this impression better than how do you call him, Rich Little? He is very good and should change his name to Rich A. Lot, yes? We watch him on the American TV satellite here on Nontoonyt very much.
Al Lowe: I see. So your marriage to Larry was not rewarding?
Kalalau: I dumped him for a Harley-riding Amazonian lesbian slot machine repairwoman. Does this not tell you how I found 'im?
Al Lowe: Er... Not so good, huh?
Kalalau: You are not the Dixie tune whistling, big boy. Don't bother calling again. I'll be the, how do you say it, all tied up.
(From another call to Nontoonyt Islandand, boy, does AT&T love me this month!)
Roger: Dewey, Cheatem, and HoweAttorneys at Law.
Al Lowe: Hello. Ms. Suzi Cheatem, please.
Roger: And whom may I say is calling?
Al Lowe: Al Lowe. Tell her it's about Larry; Larry Laffer.
Roger: Certainly, sir. I'll just put you on hold and let you listen to this wonderful, toe-tapping elevator music for 15 or 20 minutes. Click.
Al Lowe: Yuck. Well, while I'm waiting I'll just talk to myself and do a little research. Now, if I can just drag the phone over to the computer... Yes, good. Now I'll bring up Larry 3 and reload the scene I saved from the lawyer's office. I'm glad I listened to me and saved early and often... Say, that Roger looks like Roger Hardy, Jr. Not accidental I'm sure. And I hope the folks got the joke in the law firm's name. Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe`do we cheat them and how.' Heh, heh.
Roger: Okay, sir. Now that we've dosed you with enough elevator music to get you talking to yourself, I'll connect you with Ms. Cheatem. Click.
AL Lowe: Er, hello? Suzi the Lawyer?
Suzi: Yes, sir. How may I help you? My firm specializes in divorce and real estate transactions.
Al Lowe: My name is Al Lowe. I'm a friend of Larry; Larry Laffer.
Suzi: Are you an attorney representing Mr. Laffer, sir?
Al Lowe: Er, no. I thought you were.
Suzi: This firm did do a few minor transactions for Mr. Laffer in the past. Now, however, we have been retained by Natives, Inc. to litigate against Mr. Laffer in view of his mismanagement while employed with that company. They are invoking a nonperformance clause.
Al Lowe: I see. But my interest in him is more personal. For example, you and he made love in your office. How was he?
Suzi: I am also invoking the nonperformance clause here as well. Thank you for calling, but I have to go now. Bigger name on the other line. Good day. Click.
(Running the phone bill on up past the moon.)
Al Lowe: Cherri Tart? Cherri the Showgirl? Hello? Are you there?
Cherri: Hello, Mr. Lowe. Even out here in rural backwoods of Nontoonyt Island I've heard of you. Sorry for the scratchy line. Repairpersons have had a hard time keeping them up because of all the lesbian Amazonian cannibal activity out here. The girls keep pulling them down for some reason. Probably psychological. Some kind of aversion to large, vertical, cylindrical objects.
Al Lowe: You've heard of me? Well, I'm flattered.
Cherri: Just because I'm out of show biz and into farming now doesn't mean I still don't read the trade ragslike Variety, Billboard, Hollywood Reporter, and the Sierra News Magazine. I think you were featured in one of them recently. I forget which.
Al Lowe: Thank you. Now, I'm interviewing Larry Laffer's former lovers. I believe he and you had a thing going backstage at the Nontoonyt Casino once?
Cherri: To give Larry credit, he did make it possible for me to achieve my dream of a little place in the quiet outback. But as for Larry himself, he's very funky, you know.
Al Lowe: How so?
Cherri: He's a cross-dresser. You'll never believe what he did with my show outfit.
Al Lowe: Yes, I would. But how was he as a lover?
Cherri: I dunno. It was dark back there. Okay, I guess. Frankly, I was thinking of the land deed, not the dirty deed.
(And one final call to Nontoonyt Island).
Bambi: (puff, puff) Hello (puff). Bambi the aerobics instructor here. Sorry, you caught me in the middle of a workout.
Al Lowe: Sorry. My name is Al Lowe. I'm calling from Bellevue.
Bambi: Oh, Eastern Europe! How nice that you small countries have thrown off your Communist dictatorships.
Al Lowe: What? No, that's Bellevue. The city in the state of Washington.
Bambi: Oh, that one. I'm so sorry. Couldn't you move or something?
Al Lowe: Er, never mind that. I'm calling about Larry; Larry Laffer. I understand you and he had an encounter there in the Fat City Health Spa on Nontoonyt Island?
Bambi: Laffer? Yeah, I remember him. We got it on in the tanning booth. A very shocking experience.
Al Lowe: So you don't mind talking about your sexual experiences?
Larry and Passionate Patti are caught in a moment of relaxation during the filming of Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals. This shot was used on the cover of the game's box.
Bambi: Are you kidding? The only thing I love more than talking about loving is loving while talking.
Al Lowe: Wow! You're one hot lady.
Bambi: I've been exercising. You don't mind women who sweat do you? Perspiration gleaming on satin skin as you lovingly rub--
Al Lowe: Gulp. I see you really do like to talk about it. But what about Larry?
Bambi: He wasn't too articulate.
Al Lowe: I mean, what were your impressions of him?
Bambi: Oh, he was all right, I guess. He made one suggestion that's pulled me in big bucksdoing a video exercise tape using sexual positions. We're outselling Jane Fonda now, and the royalties are like you wouldn't believe.
Al Lowe: That's great, Bambi. But how was Larry as a lover?
Bambi: Adequate, I guess. I really don't remember. Do you have one of my new tapes?
Al Lowe: Ah, no. My wife would kill me. And I'm afraid my TV would melt down anyway.
Bambi: We do get a lot of those complaints. You'd think the Japanese could make a stronger set.
Al Lowe: Cultural differences, I'm sure. Thank you.
Bambi: Bye now.
(Now, to put AT&T into the black for the next six years, a call to the Kingdom of Daventrythat's real long distance).
Al Lowe: Hello?... Royal Summer Palace?... Princess Rosella, please... I'm calling from Bellevue, California, USA, Earth... Thank you for your sympathy... No, I don't want to move. Could you just call her to the phone, please?
Al Lowe: Princess Rosella, this is Al Lowe.
Rosella: I'm sorry, my father doesn't like my talking to commoners, Al the Low. Nor dating them either.
Al Lowe: Er, no, that's just a name. Not my station in life. I'm really a... well, a sort of wizard. I'm a programmer and I know Unix and
Rosella: I've always pitied eunuchs, but they are a nice, safe date. If you are a eunuch, you may take me to the drive-in jousting show next Michaelmas. My father may demand proof, however.
Al Lowe: Er, yes. My question, Your Highness, is about Larry; Larry Laffer.
Al Lowe: Leisure Suit Larry. You've made guest appearances in a couple of his computer games.
Al Lowe: What do you think of him?
Al Lowe: Sigh. Leisure Suit Larry.
Rosella: You're not from around here, are you?
Al Lowe: Er, no. I live in Bellevue.
Rosella: I'm so sorry. Maybe you could move. Maybe Bakersfield or Cleveland. Well, about this Larry creep. May I tell you the same thing Roberta Williams suggested I tell Larry if he ever calls?
Al Lowe: Well, yes. Thank you. What is it?
Al Lowe: Hello? Hello?
Well, here's a short call compared to the othersMiami, Florida.
Chi Chi Lambada: Bueno?
Al Lowe: Hi, Chi Chi. This is Al Lowe.
Chi Chi Lambada: No Habla ingles.
Al Lowe: Yes you do. I left a message on your machine earlier about Larry; Larry Laffer? You two spent some time together in Larry 5, and I would like to get a comment on how he was as a lover.
Chi Chi Lambada: Oh, all right. I remember heem well. He gave me something I really needed, so I offered him a little something in return. I took heem downstairs to my gym.
Al Lowe: Ah, ha! And you guys had a swinging time, huh?
Chi Chi Lambada: Are you kidding me, man? He missed every opportunity and fell flat on hees face. He ees, what ees the English word? Ah! He ees el dorko!
Darn! I'm not having too much luck here. Well, being a glutton for punishment, we'll try another call or two. Larry's latest adventure takes place at the beautiful La Costa Lotta health spahe won his stay there on a TV show. In the course of his adventures at this resort, he meets nine--yes, count them, I said nine, nine lovely young ladies. We won't have time to canvas every one, but I believe a sampling of Larry's latest escapes in Leisure Suit Larry 6: Shape Up or Slip Out! is possible with just a single ringy-dingy.
Al Lowe: Oooo. I just love punching these little phone buttons. Yes, yes... There we go... There's La Costa Lotta's tollfree reservation number all punched inI just love tollfree numbers.... It's ringing? Isn't this exciting?
Gammie Boysulay: Front desk, the gorgeously slim Gammie Boysulay speaking. How may I help you?
Al Lowe: Hi, Gammie, this is Al Lowe up in Bellevue, I--
Gammie Boysulay: OH, you poor man.
Al Lowe: Now cut that out! There's nothing wrong with Bellevue. It's one of the most beautiful cities in America.
Gammie Boysulay: You poor man.
Al Lowe: Er... Never mind. You're just the lady I wanted to speak withas you may know, I'm the creator of the Leisure Suit Larry games and --
Gammie Boysulay: The what?
Al Lowe: Umm... You know, the... Well, never mind that, too. You do remember Larry; Larry Laffer? He stayed there recently.
Gammie Boysulay: Yes, of course I remember Larry, with great fondness.
Al Lowe: You do?
Gammie Boysulay: Certainly. It was due to Larry that I now have my wonderfully trim and svelte figure that drives men absolutely wild.
Al Lowe: Right, whereas before you had a... Well, a large... er...
Gammie Boysulay: You mean I had a huge butt and thunder thighs. Sure, I'm not at all sensitive about that nowthanks to Larry. He fixed the Cellulite Drainage Salon and then fixed me! No more hips as wide as Sunset Boulevard. No more thighs like redwoods. I am, if I do say so myself, a real knockout now. No more having to hide my body from the waist down behind the check-in desk.
Al Lowe: So I understand. But you promised Larry a real reward if he solved the puzzle and did the three things which would fix the Cellulite Drainage Salon. You led him to believe he would be receiving a night of bliss.
Gammie Boysulay: Yeah, in a weak moment as I waddled with him into that room, I did sorta promise him a little something. But I came out so drop-dead gorgeous that all bets were off. No dork like him is gonna get to touch my marvelous, sexy, slim body.
Al Lowe: Then, you lied to Larry?
Gammie Boysulay: Better to lie to him than to lie with him, eh? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Al Lowe: I see. Well, I'm sure Larry appreciates your sensitivity and wonderful sense of gratitude. Could you connect me with Art the handyman, please?
Gammie Boysulay: Nah, he was only temporary help. Say! I think he was from Fresno, California. Didn't last long, something about wanting his pay in raisins. He was just here while Larry was.
Al Lowe: Just checking, but that is a health spa and raisins are healthy. And what better medium of exchange than those huge, plump, Fresno raisins--
Gammie Boysulay: We're expecting a busload of fatties at any minute. I'm sorta busy here. Anything else?
Al Lowe: Er... I need at least one more lady to verify Larry's luck in his latest adventure. What about Burgundy? Is she still singing down in the lounge?
Click, buzz, whirr.
Burgundy: Hello, y'all, this here's the lounge. The bartender is done off on a break, so y'all will just have to talk to little ol' me.
Al Lowe: Oh. Good. I wanted to talk with you, Burgundy. This is Al Lowe, calling from Bellevue, and --
Burgundy: Why you poor ol' hoss. You move right on out of there now, y'hear. Try down in Texas where I'm from. You will purely love Texas.
Al Lowe: No, nowe like it here. Rains some, but--
Burgundy: You poor ol' hoss.
Al Lowe: (Sigh). Burgundy, the reason I called is about Larry Laffer. You remember him? Little guy in a white leisure suit?
Burgundy: Those things are right dangerous in a steam room, hoss. Yeah, I remembah that little crittur. Bumbly as a newborn calf, he was. Always trippin' over mah microphone cord. I swear, y'all would think he was a doin' it on purpose.
Al Lowe: I see. But, how did you like him? Specifically, did you and he... ah... get it on, so to speak?
Burgundy: Ah liked him a lot when he brought me some o' them tall, cold ones. And then, we went to the steam room together, but I shore did find better thangs to do in there than him! Wal, I gotta get back to work now. When I came back from the steam room, my best red dress with sequins on it was a missing! I gotta earn enough money to buy me a new one.
Al Lowe: Of course. I can understand that. I'm a professional musician myself.
Burgundy: You do country?
Al Lowe: Uh... No. I play the sax.
Burgundy: I thought y'all said you were a musician? Wal, gotta run. Bye now.
Hmmm. It seems that killed the connection to La Costa Lotta. Well, I think we now have enough comments to give us a reasonably accurate picture of Larry's true luck with the ladies in general. Patti is the only exception, perhaps she sees something in him the others don't. Anyway, it's pretty much a cinch that he'll never be asked to costar in a King's Quest game with Rosella, or to move back in with either Eve or Kalalau. The professional lady we met first will probably not extend him a line of credit if he visits her again. Bambi, while she profited by knowing Larry, is not interested in him. Suzi Cheatem is the only one who does want to see him againbut only in court.
On the other hand, sometimes theorists are not good practitioners. Many great teachers in medical schools are there because they couldn't cut the mustard, or anything else. A lot of generals could plan victorious battles but were not sure from which end of the gun they shot the bullet. Could this be true about Larry Laffer? Could the following learned words of Mr. Laffer really be useful?
This might change social mores and courtship habits for all time. Could the words of Leisure Suit Larry forever sway the course of male/female relationships?
But here they are anyway. We promised him and, besides, he works cheap.
Leisure Suit Larry on How to Pick Up Chicks
Extracted from How to Pick Up Chicks: A Hands On Tutorial
by Larry Laffer (privately printed).
Hi. My name is Larry; Larry Laffer. I'm writing this short treatise as my contribution to historythe history of love.
Guys come up to me all the time and say, "Larry, how do you get so many women? What's your secret?"
Chicks are constantly approaching me in bars and other public places and saying, "Larry, you absolute cutie, why do I want to rip off my clothes, then your clothes, and make mad, passionate love to youand not necessarily in that order? What is this magnetism you have that makes me melt inside and want to clasp you to my steamy, naked body? Forget those questions, Larry. Just take me, you stud muffin you!"
Of course it can be embarrassing like when you're in a museum or a library or something, but such is the cross-eyed bear. I could tell you that picking up chicks is some sort of innate talent you either have or you don't, but that's not true. Good lovers are made, not born. If they're really good, they can be made more than once a night. However, as one of Princess Rosella's friends told me a couple of weeks ago, "Once a king, always a king, but once a night's enough."
Approach is everything. You've got to be confident. This requires some preparation. It is not by accident that you always see me dressed in a gleaming white leisure suit. A guy's gotta have a trademark.
Now, I don't expect everyone to rush out and buy leisure suitsafter all, they are hard to find these days. Look into Nehru jackets, pinstripe suits, bell-bottom bluejeans, and the like. There's a lot of good stuff at Goodwill Industries and Salvation Army stores. Browse their racks and you'll come up with your own distinctive look.
Invest in some gold chains. Chicks think gold chains are cool. However, remember you get more width by buying goldplated instead of real gold. It's dark in bars, and chicks can't tell the diff. Save money and go for more effect, too.
Be sure to wear your gold chains with an open-neck shirt so the babes can see the glint of gold on your hairy chest. Exercise some care when gluing the hair in place. Nothing gives away things like sloppy dobs of excess rubber cement.
Get a haircut--assuming you have hair on your head--otherwise, see the paragraph above, and be careful with the rubber cement (no offense, Al and Ralph--billiard balls are one of my favorite shapes).
Buy a pocketknife to clean the grime from under your fingernails. Breath spray is cheap; apply it liberally. Take a shower every week or so.
I know all of the above sounds like a lot of trouble, and it is, but chicks appreciate your efforts at hygiene. If you expect a chick to throw herself at you, it's only fair that you provide her with a nice clean place to land.
Now, when you walk through the door of that singles bar, do not show fear. Chicks can smell fear a mile away. A lone male who's afraid is easy prey for packs of predator females, and may start a dangerous stampede. Confidence. That's the key word; always be confident.
Scout the bar. If you see an empty chair next to a good-looking chick, stroll over and sit down. If she says that seat's taken, that her boyfriend's just gone to the restroom, ignore her. Chicks use this device to see if you are confident enough to stay in place. If you are, they may throw themselves at you right then. Chicks like confident guys. You should always, by the way, wear clothes that are easy to be ripped off. Chicks appreciate such thoughtfulness on your part. Nothing slows a relationship more than buttons that are hard to undo. Lately, I've been investigating Velcro, myself. Now there's a ripping good idea!
The downside of such confidence is that she may actually be telling you the truth. In such a case, you may get bounced around a little by the boyfriend when he comes back from the restroom. Stay away from chicks like thisthey usually date wrestlers, truck drivers, or Cobol programmers. Those guys are used to moving big stuff around.
Your opening line is important. A snappy opening shows the chick that you are cool and worthy of them throwing themselves on you and ripping off your clothes. Here are some opening lines you might want to try out:
Leisure Larry's Special, Never Fail Pickup Lines
"Hi, my name is Vice; Vice President Dan Quayle."
Er, no. Scratch that one. We want to be believable and confident here. Besides, it only worked for four years, and really not very well even then.
"Hi, my name is Donald; Donald Trump. Spend the night with me and I'll give you Rhode Island."
"Hi, good-looking. My bet is that you've never made it with an astronaut before. Well, baby, tonight is your night to ride, Sally, ride."
"Hi, I'm captain of the Olympic lovemaking team and we're holding tryouts tonight. You owe it to your country. U-S-A! U-S-A!"
"Hi. I am required by law to ask first if you have a weak heart or are allergic to total, unrestrained pleasure."
(Editor's note: Hmmm, that one might actually work.)
"Hi. I'm from Fresno." (To be used only if you know she's from out of the country, like from Brazil or Katmandu or most Third World nations.)
"Hi. I'm not from Fresno." (To be used if she's from California, the continental U.S., or Western Europe.)
"I'm from Bakersfield." (Only safe to use with women from like out of the solar system.)
"Hi, I'm Tarzan. Wanna swing? I guarantee you'll go ape over me."
"Greetings, Earthbabe. I am from space and must breed to survive."
"Hi. My name is Al Lowe. How would you like to star in my next computer game?" (This approach may get you beat up if Al Lowe catches you).
"Hi. My name is Larry; Larry Laffer." (This one will get you beat up by me, but it works!).
Well, those are a sampling. A good line will have chicks ripping off your clothes before you're halfway through it. Practice delivering it confidently.
One warning. Sometimes the opening line does not do the complete job and you will be expected to actually talk afterwards. Don't panic. Simply pick a subject of great interest to the chick, like you, and proceed from there.
That should be enough to get you started. Being a great lover might take you another week or two, but picking up chicks is the easy part.
Back to Big Al now.
Er, thanks, Lar. I'm sure the guys out there will take your advice to heart and that the ladies who've read it will quit laughing before next Easter. Or soon thereafter.
Never mind. Now it's time to move on. You've had your say (and how). Next we're going to look at "The Many Faces of Leisure Suit Larry."
"Is Rich Little doing impressions of me again?"
No, no, Larry. I'm talking about the different computers that you can play Leisure Suit Larry on.